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this turns into rant
here is a list of things that make me unique:
- i’m training for a marathon
- i’ve gone bungee jumping
- black licorice jelly beans are my favorite jelly beans
- I’m very open minded.. to the point where I don’t really dislike anything
- I really value self expression and individuality in others
- I’m always worried about not being true to myself
- Cream soda is my favorite
- I have a sweet tooth and eat mostly sugar every day
- I’m nice to my brother
- I want to be friends with everyone
- i reallllly like sex
- i have the potential to be pretty but it doesnt happen naturally like it takes effort. so i usually just look mediocre. i’m generally okay with this.
- I worry a lot about what other people think of me. I hate this about myself.
- I really believe that someone can become whoever they want to be. Identity is so fluid. like if you want to be a happy person, or if you want to be a studious person, if you make an active effort you can transform yourself.
- Sometimes I’m not myself around my closest friends that are girls. I can’t just like let go and be free. :/
- I want to be free. I want to get in a car and go on a road trip and let my hair turn into dreads and play guitar and sleep in fields with flowers and kiss people and learn about the world. i want to tan in the sun and have freckles on my nose and learn how to make the best lemonade in the world and also how to make people feel better. I want to climb mountains and hear scary stories and sleep in a pile of friends. I want to connect to people and explore community and explore myself. I don’t want to sit in a classroom anymore. I want to learn but I don’t like the style of education and it’s drainingg meeeee.
things were so confusing
and then they werent
and then the blissful just-got-back-together week of making love and smiling and laughing and best behaviour
“I wasn’t lonely. I experienced no self-pity. I was just caught up in a life which I could find no meaning.”
Charles Bukowski (via hellanne)
wow like the letter ethan wrote me wow.
he really loves me.
he really really loves me.
but right now like im seeing life without him and its not bad.
and its hard to be attracted to him for multiple reasonss
and i just dont know what to do
also. i just really really am in love with sleeping in a clump of people. just feeling safe and loved and happy. i think thats the best feeling there is.
diller makes me happyy. and silly things like noah and amos and eytan wanting to smoke with me. and feeling like olivias my best friendd. just like new friends and being more liked than i am at school and liking them more than the people i like at school.
not well written just an explosion of thought
i still love ethan. but in the distant, not needy sort of way. When im lonely its nice to remember i have him. i assume he’ll always be there and that makes me feel safe.
i have a stupidcrush on noah. the kind that i wish i didnt havee because hes such a flirt with everyoneee but then i take it seriously. and then i just feel stupidddd and hes not even that greatt hes just nice and goofy and is the right sizeeee and comfy and swing dances and hes cuteee
so i had a dream i kissed noah. and then ast night i had a dream i kissed eytan ?!?!? i think my brain is pretttty lonely. I feel like i just want to connect to someone and have love in my life. ike last night eytan and i had deeptalks and then we basically slept together so that just makes me feel connected and love in the platonic way…
but like i still want romance in my life?